Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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