somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
