This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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