Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
