I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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