Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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