help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
