can we get nightvision for the apartment?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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