no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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