My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
