dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
