3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
