my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
