The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
