I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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