Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
