my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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