Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
