Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
