I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
