i already hear my dad disowning me
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
