This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
