Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
