just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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