and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize