i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
