I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
