Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
