I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
