they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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