Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
