This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
