She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
