So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
