the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
