rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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