My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
