There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
