also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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