So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
