so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize