So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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