what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize