Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
