atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
