There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
