Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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