dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
