I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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