We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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