Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
