I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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