Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
