Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
A bitchslap is in order.
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