John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
