last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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