We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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