no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
