I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
