I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
