the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
