Don't make out with my wife yet
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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